


Saying goodbye

by noahm



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Autistic Character, M/M, autistic bashir, me being far too emotional and letting the whole autistic bashir thing get a little out of hand, neurodivergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 01:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2754974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahm/pseuds/noahm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garak and Bashir try to say goodbye. They fail, miserably. Garak is a sentimental fool, and a self-indulgent one at that. Bashir is confused, then not confused.<br/>Set during the series finale. An alternative for their canon goodbye scene, I guess. Bashir is autistic. Very obviously so, because, ironically, I find it very difficult to write believable autistic characters, and I tend to try a little bit too hard...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saying goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if it's a bit OOC, I haven't watched any DS9 in a while. I should probably do something about that.

“I’m afraid I’m not very good at saying goodbye.”

That much was true. Julian wasn’t very good at saying anything, really. At least, not if that thing was the right thing. But somehow, this time, it seemed even harder. Words, floating through his mind, coming closer and closer, but disappearing whenever he reached out.  
 _You’re being ridiculous. Just say goodbye. It’s not that hard._  
But it was.

Julian knew Garak well enough to know that he was smiling at him, even though he couldn’t see it - his eyes seemed intent on staying locked on his own feet.  
“Really, Doctor? It’s just two syllables, I don’t think it’s that hard.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”  
“I know. And frankly, I’m not very good at it either.”  
“Then perhaps we should just...” he waved his hands around in the air noncommittally, “skip it?”  
“Ah, but then we’d both regret it once I’m gone, wouldn’t we?”  
“I suppose that’s true.”  
He heard Garak sigh. “Doctor- no- Julian, I have one favor to ask of you, before I leave. Consider it a going away gift.”  
“Then go ahead, ask me.”  
“I was wondering, and I know this is hard for you, and of course, you are under no obligation to grant my request, but I would very much like to look into your eyes. Just this one time.”  
That was unexpected. Julian frowned “Why?”  
“Does that matter?”

Julian smiled and slowly, he looked up, making eye contact with his Cardassian friend for the first time. It wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable or hard as it was with other people, and surprisingly, Julian found now that he could finally understand why everyone around him seemed to have such a fascination for eyes. He’d always thought it was ridiculous - eyes really weren’t that special, and they all looked the same to him. There were different colors, of course, but other things, like flowers, had different colors too, and flowers didn’t make him feel so uncomfortable. And that whole “window to the soul” thing didn’t make any sense at all, either.

Yet, there was _something_ about the blue of Garak’s eyes that made his breath catch in his throat.  
Or maybe that was just Garak.

In the previous few months, Julian had spent a lot of time thinking about his feelings towards Garak. He knew they were different from his feelings towards other people he considered his friends, like Miles, for example, but he found it hard to pinpoint exactly what made them different. Feelings were complicated, and Julian had never quite been able to understand them.

Words flashed through his mind, fragments of poems and songs. Words about eyes, words about love.  
Was this love?  
He knew that he didn’t want Garak to leave, but he didn’t want Miles to leave either, or Odo, for that matter. Or anyone else.  
 _This is different, isn’t it?_  
But how? Why?  
 _It just is._

Still, Julian knew that even if he was completely certain about his feelings, he would never be the one to make the first move. Garak probably knew it too. He’d imagined kissing Garak several times, imagined how it would go, what they would say before, and afterwards, and he’d always enjoyed those little fantasies, but to turn them into a reality was not something he thought he could do on his own.

Back to reality, back to the present, as smooth, cool hands cupped his face. It took him a second to register the soft, alien lips on his own. By the time he realized what was happening, it was over, and Garak was staring at him in shock.

“Julian, I- I don’t know what I was doing. I am sorry if I frightened you.”

Garak turned to leave, but before he could enter the shuttle, Julian called out his name.

“Elim!”

The Cardassian turned around, eyes still wide, mouth slightly open. Julian took a slow, careful step towards him and grinned. He felt confident now, he knew what to say - a while ago, on an uneventful day, he’d imagined a scenario very much like this.

“That was the best thing you’ve done in the past seven years.”

Garak smiled and visibly relaxed. He took Julian’s hands in his own. “You know, my dear, I think I have a solution to our goodbye problem.”  
“Really? Enlighten me, then.”  
“Come with me Cardassia.”  
“I'll have to think about that."  
"Of course."


End file.
